Diet

For the last 9 days, I’ve been on a diet.

Yes, the Lizard is on a diet. Not one of those supermodel lemon-cayenne-maple drink diets or Atkins or whatever, but an acid reflux diet.

You see, I have a build up of acid in my body – and it’s gotten to the point where that I can tick off a lot of boxes in the questionnaire of “Are you a Giger ALIEN?” when I apply for a spaceship occupation.

Last year, I had to give up pepsi max (aaaargh) as it had been acting as a diuretic, washing out all the salt and other nutrients, leading to the worsening of my hypotension symptoms – and I think by the amount I used to drink, it also washed out all the excess acid in my system.

So. Two weeks ago, my health hit a boulder and splat – I went on the internet to check out (as I couldn’t be bothered going to the doctors) and found out about acid/alkaline levels. From the sounds of it, I was a perfect candidate for an Alien Queen.

I decided to force myself on this diet, kicking off all acidic foods and eating alkaline-rich foodstuff, and went into severe withdrawal symptoms for lack of cheezels, ms&ms, big mac, malsters, KFC, salt n vinegar chips, Big M, salami, cheese, pizza, steak and fries, you get the picture.

Imagine a little blue tongue shivering and dribbling in a pool of its feverish sweat, hallinucating about flying big macs and cadbury bars, desperately clutching a celery stalk with almond butter in it.

It’s been 9 days, and I’ve been dutifully keeping a food diary to make sure I don’t snap and buy family-sized meals or make a tub of buttercream frosting. I feel a bit more better, as in body only – my addiction to sublime junk food is burning holes in my psyche – but it’s all about the long term, baby.

In a month, I’ll start re-introducing good acidic foods slowly (i.e. eggs, milk, chicken, lean meat) and keep junkfood to a very low percent – say, one or twice a month.

I know it sounds hellish, but I’m taking it into my stride by pretending that the scattered list of alkaline food is a challenge for me, future Master Chef – to turn healthy food into absolutely delicious dishes that you refuse to believe is healthy.

GO GO GO GO GO GO LIZARD GO GO GO GO GO GO!!!!